Wasted time

It’s odd how your life can change with one action. One man’s decision to cast my family out of his church has shaken my life to its foundation and yet life goes on the same as it ever does. It is hard to capture the emotions that go through you when something like this happens. When your whole life has revolved around a singular purpose and suddenly its focus changes…you become disoriented. You become frustrated, angry, bitter. And it’s human nature to let these things rule you; to let these emotions overtake any logical thought, or any feeling of grace or mercy when you think about it. It’s hard to capitulate these emotions to more positive ones. As a man of God, as someone who has unlimited grace and mercy bestowed upon him, I am supposed to give it to the ones who have wronged me. But why is it so hard, when I have an endless well of grace and mercy, for me to dispense it myself? I know I am supposed to forgive, and it’s not an epiphany when I realize this. It doesn’t take time to figure that out. So why do I not do it instantly? Was it really necessary for me to harbor these feelings inside when I knew the whole time I shouldn’t? Knowing all along that these things would eat away at me and my relationship with the only one who matters? I suppose this is all human nature…or at least my stubborn nature. All it amounted to was wasted time. I’m going to have to account for that when my time comes. There was so much I could have done with it. All I did with it was go backwards. And I’m paying the price for it now. But you live and you learn. Life goes on. And other aphorisms about getting over stuff….I’ll stop rambling now.