Fear

Fear.

Some people are afraid of spiders. Others are afraid of heights, some are even terrified of wide open spaces. Someone asked me what I was afraid and I laughed and said nothing. Then they asked again. Then I started to think about. I started going through different things in my head. Any animals? Nope. Heights? I'm 6'4 I hope I'm not afraid of heights. Water, enclosed spaces, odd things? None. Then it hit me.


I'm not afraid for myself, but for others. I'm afraid of not being able to help a friend. I'm supposed to be the guy who has all the answers. When things go from bad to worse they call me. And so far I've been lucky enough to have given advice that hasn't blown up in my face. But I have come across situations where I just don't know. I don't have any advice for them. I don't know what to do. I don't even know what to say. And that HORRIFIES me.

Truly Free?

Freedom. What is freedom? Ask someone you will get one answer and ask another you will get a different answer everytime. Is it democracy? Is it the abiblity to worship how you want? Is it to say what you want? Or is it anarachy?

Freedom is to have no boundaries. Laws and government set boundaries for society and whether it's a democracy or not it's inhiertely constricting. But lets go one step further. If freedom is to have no boundaries then none but a few are truly free. We all have inhibitions that keep us from doing certain things. There are societal pressures and taboos that keep us from doing certian things even in a state a lawless land.

The only true individuals who are "free" are sociopaths. People who truly don't care.
When normal people murder each other it's usual in anger or fright, or survival. But someone who can do it in cold blood is an entirely different animal all together. This is a person who cares not about the consequences.

So the question is do you truly want to be free?

Have you ever...

Have you ever want to tell someone something but have been to afraid to?
But every time you work up the nerve you find a reason not to?
And the problem is that its a good reason...
But the the reasons to do it are just as good...
And in my case that little pessimistic devil all ways wins the stalemate...

Have you ever wanted to just go and be a new person?
To disappear and begin anew, to be some one different than you are?
To be the person you always wanted to be because you've made too many mistakes to be that person in this life...
To being born in another city, state, country...
Doing things differently but the same...

Have you ever just wanted to start from the beginning?
To redo everything, to make everything perfect...
To make sure you studied hard, to have actually done your homework, acing all your tests.
To have said something to that person you had a crush on in the 4th grade...
To have another chance with the girl you thought you would marry...
To have have not said that lie...
Not getting into that fight...

Have you been so polarized with someone or something that your apathetic...
One moment your infatuated and the next your repulsed...
And you can't decide which should be the right one?
So you don't and you try not to care but that doesn't work...
In the end you just waste time and make things worse..

Have you ever wanted to snap?
To explode and go off like a bomb?
To tear down the next idiot who does something stupid?
To unleash that little devil we keep locked up?
To be ruthless and just say the ugliest thing that comes to mind?
To tear the room your in apart till it looks like trailer park after a tornado?

Have you ever wanted to take the mask off?
To say what you really mean?
To do what you really want to?
To shove that stupid thing called a conscience in a box and throw it out the window?But if we did that we would all turn into Ted Bundy...
He's not a very good role model from what I gather...

Have you ever wanted not to be so lazy?
To not be such a procrastinator...
To not leave things to the last second?
To be smart and do everything ahead?
To not be apathetic...
But in the end who cares as long as it gets done...right?

Have you ever wanted to dance 'n sing the rain?
Have you ever wanted to climb a tree to the top and jump off?
Have you ever wanted to add lighter fluid, gasoline, and silly putty together in a jar and light it?
Have you ever wanted to just take a walk and smell the roses?
Have you ever wanted to learn to play the guitar?

Then what are you waiting for? Go and do it, because you only have one life to live...Don't waste it.

Chillin' at a friend's house...

As I sit at my friends couch I realize how blessed I really am. I'm here using there computer and eating thier food and they don't care. They're my second family and they accepted my without a second thought (or atleast that what it seems like). If I need a place to crash, need some food, or just need someone to talk to I can just go here. I have a second family and I don't know what I did to deserve this...I just want to thank you guys for everything, you rock...