Brand New

As one year ends and another begins you naturaly begin to reflect upon the past and look toward the future. Every year we look back and we think of what did. What we could have done. What we should have done. We think about the past and begin to regret. Why do we do this?

This day should be about fresh beginnings. This is the time to be Brand New. We set goals for the upcoming year and we base them one the year before. We should forget the past and embrace this new day. The goals for new year shouldn't be ones that correct mistakes from the past, but ones to start new successes.

We need start thinking different. We need to change our perception of things. And what better time than the NEW year?

I need you...

Every where I go I want to see you
Every where I go I want to hear you
Every where I go I want to feel you

I can't get you out of my head

When I'm without you the day is darker
When I'm not near you its harder to smile
When I can't hear you everythings quieter

Bring me close
Don't let me go
I'm lost without you

Say what you need to say

Why do we leave things unsaid? Why do we hold back the things that need to be said. Is it something that is innately in us? Is it something that inhibits from resolving internal conflict? Why is it that when we both know what we are thinking but refuse to say it aloud? Is it because we crave the status quo even when it's unhealthy?...

When that awkward moment comes and we look each other in the eye and begin to open our mouths why do we close them? When the words reach the tip of our tongue why do we cut the short? Why do we so abhor change? Why do we resist it so? Things can't stay the same forever. No matter how much we wish it so. Stagnicity is a change in of it self. Why don't we say what we want or should? Why don't we try the unknown? Why don't we see what happens....

Just Remember...Change IS Inevitable.

How will you be remembered?

So a friend and I were chatting one night, and we were talking about how you would want to be remembered. When you die, what do you want people to say? That he was hard working? Nice? Or will it be something else? He wasn't there. He was an angry man. He wasn't happy.

Since, then I've decided to put a little more thought into it. The first things that sprang to my mind are some of the things I've already mentioned. Hard working, happy, funny. While those are all nice and good they seem so mediocre. If I died now for the most part I would just be remembered as another kid. When people think back on me and the impression I left on them, I want it to be unique.

I want to be known as a man who made a difference. As someone who did what he could. I want to be remembered as a humble man, who went after God with everything he had. I want to be remembered as someone who was always there when you needed help. Someone who always had a good word to say. Someone who loved people.

This is the legacy I want to leave behind.

The Lonely Road...

Walking down the street
Rain pouring down my back
I don't know where I'm going
I don't know where I am

The night just gets darker
And the light just gets further away
What I am to do
Where I am to go

I'm walking a lonely road
And I just get further away from you
So, Please reach out your hand
And pull me back in because I need you

The night just gets darker
And the light further away
What I am to do
Where I am to go

Please, just save me now

Time

It never ceases
It never stops
It never slows down
It never speeds up

There's never enough of it when you need it
There's to much of it when you don't want it

It marches along unhindered by love, hate, worries, distractions
A steady cadance that never lets up or hesitates

It has no beginning
It has no end
It just is

We wish we could go back in it
We wish we could go foward in it
But we are always in the now

Time. What can you do but go with the flow?!

Fear

Fear.

Some people are afraid of spiders. Others are afraid of heights, some are even terrified of wide open spaces. Someone asked me what I was afraid and I laughed and said nothing. Then they asked again. Then I started to think about. I started going through different things in my head. Any animals? Nope. Heights? I'm 6'4 I hope I'm not afraid of heights. Water, enclosed spaces, odd things? None. Then it hit me.


I'm not afraid for myself, but for others. I'm afraid of not being able to help a friend. I'm supposed to be the guy who has all the answers. When things go from bad to worse they call me. And so far I've been lucky enough to have given advice that hasn't blown up in my face. But I have come across situations where I just don't know. I don't have any advice for them. I don't know what to do. I don't even know what to say. And that HORRIFIES me.

Truly Free?

Freedom. What is freedom? Ask someone you will get one answer and ask another you will get a different answer everytime. Is it democracy? Is it the abiblity to worship how you want? Is it to say what you want? Or is it anarachy?

Freedom is to have no boundaries. Laws and government set boundaries for society and whether it's a democracy or not it's inhiertely constricting. But lets go one step further. If freedom is to have no boundaries then none but a few are truly free. We all have inhibitions that keep us from doing certain things. There are societal pressures and taboos that keep us from doing certian things even in a state a lawless land.

The only true individuals who are "free" are sociopaths. People who truly don't care.
When normal people murder each other it's usual in anger or fright, or survival. But someone who can do it in cold blood is an entirely different animal all together. This is a person who cares not about the consequences.

So the question is do you truly want to be free?

Have you ever...

Have you ever want to tell someone something but have been to afraid to?
But every time you work up the nerve you find a reason not to?
And the problem is that its a good reason...
But the the reasons to do it are just as good...
And in my case that little pessimistic devil all ways wins the stalemate...

Have you ever wanted to just go and be a new person?
To disappear and begin anew, to be some one different than you are?
To be the person you always wanted to be because you've made too many mistakes to be that person in this life...
To being born in another city, state, country...
Doing things differently but the same...

Have you ever just wanted to start from the beginning?
To redo everything, to make everything perfect...
To make sure you studied hard, to have actually done your homework, acing all your tests.
To have said something to that person you had a crush on in the 4th grade...
To have another chance with the girl you thought you would marry...
To have have not said that lie...
Not getting into that fight...

Have you been so polarized with someone or something that your apathetic...
One moment your infatuated and the next your repulsed...
And you can't decide which should be the right one?
So you don't and you try not to care but that doesn't work...
In the end you just waste time and make things worse..

Have you ever wanted to snap?
To explode and go off like a bomb?
To tear down the next idiot who does something stupid?
To unleash that little devil we keep locked up?
To be ruthless and just say the ugliest thing that comes to mind?
To tear the room your in apart till it looks like trailer park after a tornado?

Have you ever wanted to take the mask off?
To say what you really mean?
To do what you really want to?
To shove that stupid thing called a conscience in a box and throw it out the window?But if we did that we would all turn into Ted Bundy...
He's not a very good role model from what I gather...

Have you ever wanted not to be so lazy?
To not be such a procrastinator...
To not leave things to the last second?
To be smart and do everything ahead?
To not be apathetic...
But in the end who cares as long as it gets done...right?

Have you ever wanted to dance 'n sing the rain?
Have you ever wanted to climb a tree to the top and jump off?
Have you ever wanted to add lighter fluid, gasoline, and silly putty together in a jar and light it?
Have you ever wanted to just take a walk and smell the roses?
Have you ever wanted to learn to play the guitar?

Then what are you waiting for? Go and do it, because you only have one life to live...Don't waste it.

Chillin' at a friend's house...

As I sit at my friends couch I realize how blessed I really am. I'm here using there computer and eating thier food and they don't care. They're my second family and they accepted my without a second thought (or atleast that what it seems like). If I need a place to crash, need some food, or just need someone to talk to I can just go here. I have a second family and I don't know what I did to deserve this...I just want to thank you guys for everything, you rock...